oh boy.

This topic has been something I have been wanting to blog about for a while now, I just have not gotten around to it.

BUT HERE I AM. (finally- my apologies)

it has been a hot minute since I have blogged. my life has been a hot mess- from my break up to the start of a new semester & of course, everything in between. kels (which, btw is me- if u didn’t know) is just trying to get herself back together and back on track.

It has been a rough couple of months, I must admit. I have realized a lot in such a short time, and day by day I am reinventing myself. I am working on becoming the person I wish to be. Since my break up, I have undoubtedly realized some negative qualities about myself. I am not trying to change every piece of my identity, but rather constructively fix qualities that I am not proud of.

Although, I feel like this thought process of wanting to become a better me started way before my breakup. Backtrack to my first semester of sophomore year of college- I was still a biomedical science major, feeling lost in the world and completely unsure of what future I wanted for myself. I was miserable, literally. I would have to drag myself to class, and honestly, a majority of times I would not even attend class. I did not have the energy nor the drive to continue learning what I was “learning”. I was so unhappy.

I went through a small depression around this time. I felt stuck. I had no idea what my life was and what it was becoming. I felt hopeless. Unfortunately, this negative energy impacted myself and my relationship. It was around this time that my relationship began to drastically worsen. My partner and I were no longer on the same page, and it was frustrating trying to figure out myself and trying to maintain a relationship. I did not know what my future was, and that worried me.

Ever since high school, I was determined on STEM. I “knew” I wanted to work in the medical field, and once that opinion had changed, I did not know what to do or what steps to take. I would constantly be in battle with myself with what decisions I would make. I was worried about picking a new major, and how that would impact my future and career. I did not want to make another wrong choice and have it effect the remainder of my life.

I finally decided on Communication Studies as my new major. Once I made that change, so much weight was lifted. I began to see a whole new world. I fell in love with my new classes instantly. This change was the beginning of a whole new me, and I was eager to see the results.

Although I had figured out my whole school situation, my relationship was still on the brink of ending. We tried everything we could. I hate to say it, but the relationship failing was a majority of my fault. At least it feels that way.

it feels weird to admit that… i never have said it out-loud

I feel as though my desire to know who I am overpowered any desire to be in a relationship. My partner and I were together since high school, but so much had changed since then. I had become such a different person, and I strived to figure out who I would become if I was alone. I was upset that I did not get a chance to grow independently, and even though I loved him, a part of me always wanted to know what I could accomplish alone.

My mom raised me to believe I can do anything, and although I always believed it, I never actually had gotten the opportunity to try it. I slept on this idea for a while before my boyfriend and I finally decided to end things.

I love him still; I always will. He will always be someone that I admire.

I’m not sure if we have a future together. I really hope so. Our break up was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Our relationship taught me a lot about who I was and who I became over the years. As I reflect on it, I am glad that it ran it’s course, but I am happy to be independent and figure out who I am.

I’m not sure if that’s selfish or mean, but I feel like it was necessary for my own growth and happiness. There is still a lot that I need to learn and there is still so much that I want to experience. I hope this journey alone will teach me things. Regardless if those experiences are good or bad, I want to experience it all.

I don’t know exactly the steps I am going to take to ensure that I find out who I am. I am not even sure there are right ways of determining my self identity, but I am taking things day by day. I am socializing with different people and really analyzing what makes me happy. I reflect everyday on the choices I make, and how they affect others. I am learning to be more culturally aware, and mindful of other opinions. I am eager to experience new cultures around the world- possibly study abroad. I am taking advantage of this journey of self identity and hopefully the ending result will be a better me.

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